Sameness

At what point does your work persona become part of your self definition?
I desperately want to dye my hair again. I want to stand out. I hate this city of phonies, all vying for power. But I act like one of them, waking up early, commuting while reading in my $250 suit. I feel like an imposer, I want to get home and change back to myyy clothes right after work. I am so much more comfortable in a band shirt. There are certain things that I would wear normally like this floral print dress, because it is so bright and well fitted that I have to wear a sweater over it. I like to think that someday someone will see me commuting and recognize that I am always listening to music. I want someone to ask what I am listening to. Recognize that I am trying to not be one of them. But don't I eventually want to work here? I walked by the IMF and WB and though cool I could have an office there! Isn't that why I am not getting a full sleeve of tattoos? (ignoring the pain and cost)
Maybe not wanting to be one of the crowd it indie, but thats how I have been for forever. I blame my mom. What did she think she was teaching me, decorating our house with south west stuff. Seriously we have the most kachinas I have ever see outside of Arizona, which is so out of place in our neighborhood of box assembled colonials.

The district sleeps alone tonight

Its my first night alone in DC.

I want to read this-
http://www.amazon.com/Like-Hurricane-Movement-Alcatraz-Wounded/dp/1565844025/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_2

"I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time." Anna Freud

Do I miss you?

Or just the idea of having a you?

Things I am doing instead of studying

Reading someone else's Top ____ Lists

Considering getting a Kindle for my commute in DC because then I subscribe to Foreign Affairs and they can tell me what to read

Looking at when Burn Notice is going to be back on and when House is tonight because I want to watch it live since I had meetings so I missed it all semester

Learning about the web aka being web nerdy?

What I will be listening to when I go back to studying-

while I study about Africa government & development


while I read about locus of control

Right time to get back to that.....
YAY UA! Hooray for school spirit

Manifesto Part 1

Another night when I can't fall asleep because I'm thinking means blogging time huzzah!

So my manifesto- What I believe in because I like to pretend the world cares.
It amuses me that I am such a happy person when I really have a negative view of the world and people.
The Future-
I believe we are headed to a future that is like what is represented in Brave New World. We are all becoming stupid and apathetic. People are easily manipulated by politicians when they have no idea what they are talking about. Throw around some facts and figures and everyone will believe you.

This may have something to do with reading Amusing Ourselves to Death, but I thought this before I read that book I swear.



Next on to-
Religion
(this is not complete and is subject to change at the will of my logical reasoning)

Songs that Go Together

... like peanut butter & jelly


So you probably know the B.O.B. version with Haley William (who is beautiful) but this is the original version, its upsetting they sold the song because they could have used it to make it big. But anyways her voice is more like J'Davey



Indie- more girls singing : )



Okay so maybe this is a peanut butter nutella & banana sandwich (my favorite) because here is a third song that I think is similar.


Its not just that they both have bear in their names- they have a similar sound.






Kevin Christopher (Kevin Dutton... he was in my grade) sounds like this guy who I love from Arizona

More distractions

So I am sitting here not working on my paper which is due at 2pm. Instead reflecting on life seems more relevant after staying up all night.

It really is because after I turn in this paper it won't matter. Just something I put work into that never goes anywhere. I am thrilled and so excited to take classes I am passionate about next year. I want to want to learn again. I am like that now in one of my Africa classes.

But what I was really thinking about as I looked at the clouds covering Albany is meeting people. Strangely I was thinking that in one direction is one ex-boyfriend, another the other way across the river. Then that other kid is off in the distance that way. Then there are all the faces I forgot about or pushed out of my memory scattered across campus.

Sometimes I think that I am not actually crazy at all. I am just acutely aware. When I have time I actually like to sit down and figure out shit. Everyone else is running around hiding who they really are. I am just throwing it all out there all the time. Thats not true, my job makes me hide. RL has helped me master the fake enthusiasm. Its a life-long skill. I can smile and be perky and loud and energetic and helpful as soon as I choose. Unless my boyfriend broke up with me 5 minutes ago. I need like 30 minutes to stop crying then I can go be fake. Really, trust me, I did it. I was cheery with my big red puffy eyes. Why is it that we are supposed to act like we always are there to answer your question? Why is it not allowed for me to be moody, have a bad day, not want to talk to you. Can't you ask someone else right now? Welcome to the service industry I guess. Thats what happens when you live where you work?

Did you know I have 7 unnatural holes in my body?

Right, getting back to me standing out. I think if you recorded my thought process for a whole day, it would fit in with most people on this campus. Why is it that I am so weird then? Actually I am not weird I just want to stand out. Where most people want to fit the norm, i don't like being categorized with other people.

Okay I need to go write 4 more pages on racial identity.

~you can always find something to be happy about~