More distractions

So I am sitting here not working on my paper which is due at 2pm. Instead reflecting on life seems more relevant after staying up all night.

It really is because after I turn in this paper it won't matter. Just something I put work into that never goes anywhere. I am thrilled and so excited to take classes I am passionate about next year. I want to want to learn again. I am like that now in one of my Africa classes.

But what I was really thinking about as I looked at the clouds covering Albany is meeting people. Strangely I was thinking that in one direction is one ex-boyfriend, another the other way across the river. Then that other kid is off in the distance that way. Then there are all the faces I forgot about or pushed out of my memory scattered across campus.

Sometimes I think that I am not actually crazy at all. I am just acutely aware. When I have time I actually like to sit down and figure out shit. Everyone else is running around hiding who they really are. I am just throwing it all out there all the time. Thats not true, my job makes me hide. RL has helped me master the fake enthusiasm. Its a life-long skill. I can smile and be perky and loud and energetic and helpful as soon as I choose. Unless my boyfriend broke up with me 5 minutes ago. I need like 30 minutes to stop crying then I can go be fake. Really, trust me, I did it. I was cheery with my big red puffy eyes. Why is it that we are supposed to act like we always are there to answer your question? Why is it not allowed for me to be moody, have a bad day, not want to talk to you. Can't you ask someone else right now? Welcome to the service industry I guess. Thats what happens when you live where you work?

Did you know I have 7 unnatural holes in my body?

Right, getting back to me standing out. I think if you recorded my thought process for a whole day, it would fit in with most people on this campus. Why is it that I am so weird then? Actually I am not weird I just want to stand out. Where most people want to fit the norm, i don't like being categorized with other people.

Okay I need to go write 4 more pages on racial identity.

~you can always find something to be happy about~